


Gray Ceilings

by orphan_account



Series: Gray Tinted Glasses [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Peter Needs a Hug, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 09:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20618519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Self-harm is more than cutting,or skipping meals. Self-harm comes from a low sense of self-worth. Being New York's favorite arachnid-themed hero doesn't make you an exception to falling victim to this.





	1. Gray Area

**Author's Note:**

> Send prompts/requests to my tumbler @understarkercover - I'd be more than happy to fulfill them :)

_Dark gray with two cracks off-center._

Peter would’ve cocked his head left to right if he had the energy. Maybe pick himself up and lay down in a different area to change how he sees things-

_how do those faults look now?_

Except, he doesn’t.

No, instead, he stares blankly at his apartment’s living room ceiling.

He doesn’t cock his head left to right.

_Too much effort._

He doesn’t voice any of his passing thoughts.

_Too much effort._

He lets himself lay on the floor of his dirty living room floor-

_Too much effort to keep clean._

He ignores every little chirp from his phone to _text back,baby-_

_Not enough energy. Effort effort effort._

….

Nothing in his life fulfilled him like being Spiderman did.

_But when will it be too much effort?_

He shoves any negative thoughts down- one can never get sick of their passions.

“Karen,” he says “please check if there’s anything too dangerous for the police to hand tonight.”

“I don’t recommend actively seeking crimes too strenuous. Your fight last night with-.”

“Karen. If I don’t, who will? Do I let the police get hurt? Do I let the suspects get hurt? I can’t do that. Someone’s gotta look out for the little guy.”

The AI was silent before giving directions to a shoot-out happening blocks away.

Peter whooped happily as he swung his way to the scene.

…

He grinned widely, “Tank you Spidawman.”

Peter ruffled the boy’s hair gently as his adrenaline started to wear out.

“No problem, kiddo. You were pretty great yourself.”

The four-year-old’s eyes widened in excitement-

_Did I ever look like that?_

The boy, Isaiah, babbled contently and obvious about how close he was to close to death. He waved at Peter even as he was being taken away in an ambulance with a CPS worker holding his hand,

“I hope he gets somewhere safe,” the new voice behind him almost made him jump, “kid deserves it.”

Peter turned to face the woman, “Hope so too. I can’t imagine seeing my parents shooting at each other. And then still smiling. Kid’s a fighter.”

Her eyes softened, “You weren’t slacking off by any means, Spidey. Thank you for your help.”

“No problem.”

I needed this.

“You sure you don’t need those wounds checked out? We could call-.”

“No, it’s fine. It’ll heal in no time. Watch.” He pointed at his bullet wound that was closing (bullet removed) and the suit around it that was repairing itself.

“Holy shit.”

He forced a laugh, “Pretty nifty, right?”

She laughed softly in return, “ ‘Course it is. ” She frowned at the radio call her car was receiving, “Be safe, Spiderman,” she said before jogging back to her car with her partner hot on her heels.

_The report doesn’t sound very dangerous, so it wouldn’t be worth the-_

He shook his head.

He cleared his throat, “Karen? What’s next?”

“I recommend you to stop patrolling for the next few hours as you are healing internally. Being active at the moment would be un-beneficial in the long run and reckless.”

“I’m tired of hearing this. If I don’t guard people against danger- with my healing abilities and suit at my disposal to protect me- someone else could get seriously injured. What if they die? How would I live with myself then?”

He could’ve sworn that he heard a sigh, “There’s been a call to the fire station about in an apartment that might consume the entire building soon. Valley Hill’s complex, building D.”

Peter smiled at the word “soon,” as he broke out into a sprint to the nearby complex.

….

It took half an hour to get everyone cleared out of the building safely,but it took three hours to double check if someone was left behind and to put out any small,burning ashes.

It was a little past one a.m. and his bones ached from the stress of the day. His mind was floating pleasantly, allowing him to just lie on the hot ground to take in the warmth.

His mask was partially taken off- allowing him to breath “fresh” air unfiltered through his own mouth.

He loved the air right now.

His lungs burned as they fought for breath in the thick, ashy air from the smoking building next door. Here, panting in exhaustion with his back flat on the hard concrete roof, he was alive. He was really alive.

And then he saw an image flash before his eyes in his mask.

He ignored it.

“Incoming call from-.”

“Don’t answer it.”

The mountain of guilt and shaming crashing over was suffocating.

He spread his arms and legs wide, he shut his eyes tight.

He took a deep,slow breath _in_.

He took a breath _out_.

_Why is it when I want to put in effort, I feel ashamed for putting any in at all?_

He pulled his mask all the way down as he stood up.

“Karen. Anywhere I need to be?”

“Asleep. In bed.”

He whipped around to see Tony in his Iron Man suit floating silently besides him.

_How did you get here?_

_How did you find me?_

_Why are you here?_

Are all stupid questions both he and Tony know the answer to,so he shrugged his shoulders.

“Can’t do that.”

Tony eyed him up and down before stepping out of his suit. Tony paid no mind to his own state of (un)dress in only loose sweatpants with deep pockets.

He kept moving forward until he was in front of Peter, unmasking him and tilting his chin up.

“You haven’t returned any of my calls or texts in a week. You’ve been going out on patrols longer,more frequently. And you choose the most dangerous ones. Every time.”

“It’s not like I-.”

Tony glared, “Shut up. I’m talking.”

Peter bowed his head in silence before Tony forced him to make eye contact.

“Karen told me.”

It was Peter’s turn to glare, “You can’t keep-.”

“_I_ made her. She responds to _me_ before _you_. She sends reports to _me_ about _you _because that was the job _I_ gave her to do.”

Peter was speechless.

Tony reached into his pocket to pull out his phone. He read off what was on his screen.

_ **Peter continuously disregards any advice given to him regarding his health and physical limitations. He also continues to ask for the most physically straining emergencies. He appears most self-content after finding out about the emergencies and before the emergencies end.** _

Peter stood quiet. Not knowing what to say or how to defend himself.

“You’re going to end up dead on a sidewalk.”   
  
"And how is that bad?"  
  
Their eyes locked.  
  
"Come home,Peter."


	2. Ash Floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony tries to give Peter the hug he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Send prompts/request to my tumblr @understarker cover, I'd be more than happy to fulfill them :)

Stark Tower is one of the most technologically advanced building in the world. Sleek,sharp edges are filled with hidden scientific wonders. Floors of sterilized labs are dedicated to advancing the world into a better future. They buzz with movement,thrumming with fresh thoughts. The pride that comes with its innovation is remarkable- tangible.   
  
The awe that fills a person stepping into the building is near indescribable.  
  
But Peter knew how to describe Stark Tower in this moment.  
  
Boiling.  
  
His pointer and middle fingers were fiddling with the collar of his suit, tugging at the material, and allowing for his bitten nails to lightly scratch at his collarbone. Absent minded, he began to click his tongue as the nails of his other hand dug deep into his palm rhythmically. Each small,soft click was soothing; however, they began to ring obnoxiously to his ears as he became more conscious of his actions.   
  
He dared to glance at the man next to him to gauge his mood.   
  
Tony seemed undistributed by his ruckus,but Peter hushed himself regardless.  
  
People were usually too polite to voice their growing irritation with him.  
  
He knew.  
  
His eyes trailed down to the ash floor- his arms dropping to his sides as if they weighed with lead.

He knows the eyes that follow a person's every move. God, he's known them all already. He's on stage for their amusement, he knows, they'll fix him with a look and he'll stutter. Every move he makes effort is either filled with too little or too much effort,but, regardless, every move is wrong.  
  
He's familiar with his branding that's burned on the back of his neck and forehead.  
  
_F-A-U-L-T-Y._

Idly,Peter wonders if Tony's ever seen it on him. Has he hummed in agreement with the word as his calloused hands rubbed soothing motions into Peter's neck? Peter wouldn't fault him if he has. He'll accept it gladly as long as Tony will put up with him. But...  
  
Where Tony's kisses beneath his ear a way to kiss the searing? To justify his actions in their relationship? To justify the wrongness of its existence? He can't ruin something that's already _ F-A-U-L-T-Y_. 

The elevator stops smoothly,but the movement still felt like it lurched. His stomach was calling for a revolt.

He was stiff as a hand rested on the small of his back- guiding him to Tony's bedroom.   
  
As the doors closed behind him, his mind began to wander once more.  
  
And as cool steel turned to lush carpet, he let himself be undressed and changed into a pair of loose sweats.   
  
  
When they were laying side by side, facing each other in bed, he sighed.  
  
"When are you going to tell me why you're doing this?"  
  
Peter rested him forehead against Tony's exposed shoulder, "I'll tell you when I know."  
  
Tony kissed his head lightly, "We'll figure this out together."  
  
_F-A-U-L-T-Y_.  
  
He closed his eyes and leaned into Tony's warmth.  
  
A voice in the back of his head reminded him to do something about the cracks in his ceiling.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how the movies always make it seem like all of your problems go away when you find "the one"? Well, they don't. All "the one" does is make all of your problems a bit more bearable (but that's why they're "the one").
> 
> Also, I gave Peter an extra spider trait. Spiders make small noises with their pincers when they're in distress.

**Author's Note:**

> Knowingly putting yourself in harm's way (consistently) because you feel like you're not important enough to be missed is self-harm.


End file.
